Open Mind

frou frou house

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:31:48 GMT

So I'm anxious. Actually, I'm starting to get over the anxiety. Of course it started with the house. Wound up with this Pavlovian response to my phone. Every time I got that *BLEEP Bleep bleep" signaling a text message, my stomach knotted. It was because every text message was from my builder, telling me something negative coated in positive words and affirmations. I really learned to hate my phone. Every time I saw his name on the caller ID the same knots tied. It's ridiculous. It got to a point where I would wake up with anxiety first thing in the morning, thinking about all the things that needed to be done, all the things that needed to be said, people to be called, mistakes to be corrected. I could eventually talk myself out of the anxiety, often before I even got to work. But the learned response to that was to avoid going to sleep. All this was completely subconscious of course. I would find myself doing the things that I knew brought me small bits of pleasure, most notably eating. Staying up too late and eating too much. Not the recipe for a Slim Goodbody.

I also started trying to avoid talking about everything "house." Especially with Abby, because she just voiced all the concerns that were unspoken in my head. It's a stupid response, and I wish I hadn't taken that route but here it is. It's led to a lack of communication with her, which I really regret. I forced myself out of the habit of talking about all the little details of life, good and bad. Those are the sorts of things that make our relationship so satisfying, and I denied it for both of us without even asking. My avoidance didn't help either, so I just tried to push it harder as if I wasn't trying hard enough to not communicate. Brilliant. Sheesh. It's ridiculous looking back on it now, and I'm sure it'll be even more ridiculous as the months and years pass. Hindsight is a bitch.

I felt impotent to remedy the rapid downward spiral of our financial situation. I used to be a jerk. I used to impose my will. I used to insist when I was "right." Most of the time I was, too... well, some of the time anyway. But I had no humility. So, after working with Ken for several years, I've made an honest attempt to listen more carefully and to let people do what they do best. Well, that bit me in the ass. Aparently I took it too far, and everybody took advantage. I let people "do what we always do" instead of a better way. I should have insisted, albiet diplomatically. I let situations go on for far too long without intervening. I should have blown the whistle; it's just business. I exposed my personal life in a business situation and I got exploited. All life lessons. All painful to the "self."

I had (have) an ego problem. I gave it up once, and I'm going to have to give it up again. Maybe in perpetuity. The problem with the construction process is that every problem I have with the house is someone else's fault. I hate even saying (typing) it out loud (I have a noisy keyboard to facilitate the saying). It's like an alcoholic always being an alcoholic and not being able to even have one single sip. I just don't know what it is that I need to give up specifically. What I have to do is deny myself and give credit everywhere else. I have trained myself to take credit where it belongs to me, sometimes loudly. Make sure everybody knows who did it. I always felt I had something to prove. Like I was picked on and had to make sure everybody knew I was smart. Fast. Funny. Talented. Then when I got the recognition, I could be humble. Wait, what? It's a subtle, quiet battle with raging ego. It just made me an ass. A big one. I very badly needed recognition. Silliness. I hate even thinking about who I was and who I am again. It's the thing that I recognize first in people like me, and I despise them for it. I hate the mirror that it creates. G is like that, and sometimes I want to punch him in the face. I want to punch myself in the face. Struggle.

I have everything I could have ever asked for and more. I say that very honestly. I have a beautiful relationship with my wife. We talk. We love. We enjoy. I love my son; he is the re-creation of me and my wife and I have a chance to give him every opportunity to live and love and be happy. I have all the material things I could ever want and much more. I have family, both sides, who love and give and share. It makes me angry with myself that I should have such a problem with ego, that I should want for something as petty as recognition. It is indeed my dying moment.

For a while, I had that inner peace. I had few enough distractions that I could achieve that state of... grace. Above ego. Above fear. Above anxiety. What the hell is up with anxiety?!? Never in my life have I felt anxiety until this project. Never. I have never felt so much fear and uncertainty about myself. Me. Unconfident. Maybe that's what I need. Abby says it's where I need to go. Lose confidence so I can find the middle ground. Maybe she's right. I think there's a strong case for her being right, because even thinking about it makes me resist the thought. Unsure self = weak self. I am not weak, I say. But in saying it, given my set of circumstances, proves my weakness.

Let go. Well, what are you waiting for? Jump in. There's beauty in the breakdown.

sound reality text bytes

Fri, 08 May 2009 15:35:11 GMT

It's decided - I will forevermore judge my friends by their take on Flight of the Conchords.

I'm still having to constantly "give up" my money issues. What will be, will be...

Nervous about the house. Loving the house. Hoping that money doesn't make me resent the house.

First dentist visit for Jackson was about what I expected. Not pleasant. The doctor and hygenist were good though. Jackson recovers quickly, but is by no means a social kid. I'm not sure how to work on that... We'll send him back to the same dentist when Kaleb goes in a couple of weeks just to give him more exposure and let him see Kaleb in the seat. Maybe it'll help?

LJ updates from Twitter are short; impersonal, somehow. Distant, despite their specificity. Fleeting thoughts instead of carefully considered ones. A post-it note instead of a conversation. The funny thing is, none of it is technically any of my business anyway :P

I googled my name the other day, and actually found myself a couple of times. Someone actually wrote about me, which is kind of shocking and flattering despite its brevity. It makes me consider my influence on other people or lack thereof, and how I'll probably never know how little I've impacted people that stick in my head and how much I've impacted some whom I'd never even consider. It's kind of a weird, out-of-control feeling that runs tangent to the relativity of personal reality and perception. I could write volumes, if I had the words...

TSS

Mon, 04 May 2009 13:59:02 GMT

So. On my way in to work this morning, I had a memory of a "Toxic Avenger" toy commercial from when I was a kid. What actually ran through my head was the jingle "Toxic Avenger... He's gross, but he still gets girls."

WTF?

lord I was born a ramblin' man

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:59:13 GMT

The house is consuming me. It wouldn't be so bad, but nothing stresses me out as much as money "problems." It's hard to believe that after as hard as we've worked to be financially responsible we'd be in this predicament just because of an appraisal. It's ridiculous. I can pay. I have great credit. I have (nearly) built this house for my family to live in in perpetuity, but the housing market threatens to value my house below what I paid to build it. It's... disheartening. It scares me to death. It makes me feel reckless and irresponsible for getting my family into this mess even though it all just boils down to perceived value. That's it. I built it so that we could afford it. I can freaking afford the house, but the bank won't give me the money based on percieved value. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I wake up nearly every morning with anxiety, thinking about the house and where the money is going to come from.

The worst part about it all is that I have let God down. Not by being "financially irresponsible" (which I guess is debatable in itself) but because I let the house consume my time and energy and I've left God behind me. I haven't lost faith or anything like that, I've just dropped all of my focus off of Him and put it on to the house and its "problems." I don't want it to be like this anymore...

The other big issue is ego. I get so wrapped up in the house being perfect. That isn't necessarily a bad thing in general - but it is for me. It's my weakness. It's not that I have to be the coolest kid... Lord knows that if that were the case I'd have had a nervous breakdown by now and just shriveled up. No, it's more about being afraid that people will think that I'm less than I really am - that I'm not capable in some way when I actually am. I don't know... I can admit when I'm wrong (which is actually a step up from where I was in high school) but I feel like I need to constantly prove myself. I don't need to over-inflate my image to others or make them think that I can do things that I can't. I'm fine with my own limitations, but I'm strangely phobic about people thinking I'm less than I really am.

I've had this conflict since I was a kid with my own intelligence. I'm no genius, but I'm smart enough. I'm educable. But there has always been this love/hate relationship with my, "abilities?" I don't know... Just writing it down looks egotistical. Interesting conundrum here... I was always told about my "potential" as a kid. I never tried very hard. Sometimes I hardly tried at all. Sometimes I succeeded and passed with flying colors; other times I nearly failed - but I never really took any of it very seriously. Seriously enough to get through school and extra-curricular activities with some margin of success. I did the things that I wanted to do, and I succeeded at the things that were important to me. The thing about it was that I don't think very many people were happy with me just being me. Lots of people spoke about my potential and how I should apply myself (and all the typical motivational blah blah blah) and I could do anything. But it seemed like when I did try to stick my head above the crowd, all I got were tomatoes in my face from other people. I got made fun of for being smart and in GT. So, I'd scale it back a bit. Then, the same people who were negative about my intelligence to begin with started to hold it against me when I did less with it as well. If I'd get a question wrong in class I'd always get "I thought you were supposed to be smart?" All that served to do was to make me feel the need to prove myself all over again. It felt like no matter what I did, it drew criticism. I started to HATE playing any kind of board games. I wanted to prove myself, but as soon as I did (win) it seemed like all I got was 15 minutes of eye-rolls and jaded comments of "yeah, he won again... let's go do something else." So, rather than deal with it effectively, I got an ulcer and a temper. A bad one. Anger was the default emotion to cover my embarassment in losing or winning. It certainly didn't help to win any more friends. I have long since gotten control over the temper (90%), but the question of my abilities still remains.

It seems that I've come to allow outside perceptions of my intelligence and abilities to determine my self-worth. It's like if I don't strike that perfect balance between not-too-smart and not-too-dumb, then I'm a mess. Maybe "a mess" is a bit excessive... but it effects me psychologically, definitely. It effects me more when my reserves are low, but that's nothing revolutionary...

So back to the ego thing. I'm an architect. I love what I do. It's my own house that I'm building, so expectations are high all around. This in itself scares me. I feel like I somehow need to prove myself by doing everything right and thinking of everything. I feel like when it is finished, it will be scrutinized and judged.

Unfortunately, my career choice seems to bring with it all those same personal inner and outer conflicts. Contractors and subs don't like me because I'm the pretentious architect. The general public views me as an over-paid artist. Not true, by the way - nobody gets into architecture go get rich (and if they do, then they're sorely disappointed very quickly.) Subs give me the "if you're so smart, why don't you figure it out" or "whoah, the smarty-pants architect made a mistake." They feel like I'm the rich slave owner, when in reality I make less than a construction company's project manager. Real estate agents take a higher percentage for just selling a building than an architect takes for designing one in its entirety. Blah blah blah, poor me... So misunderstood...

...I have to let it go.

up, up and away!

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:58:56 GMT

Friday we leave for Baltimore. I haven't been anywhere with my entire immediate family since I don't know when. I'm definitely looking forward to it. My sister and I used to go back for a few weeks every summer from the time we were seven. It's weird going back as an adult with my very own family...

bikes, boobs and bbq

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:58:56 GMT

So Bikes, Blues and BBQ is in full swing. Mixed reaction here... I love all the bikes, and they make an honest attempt to make it a "family" (i.e. G-Rated) event, but the noise and traffic goes just a bit beyond annoying. I definitely know why so many locals are against it. I hope the revenue is high enough to make it worth it...

I've wanted a motorcycle ever since I started college. The thing is, I've never been able to justify the risk. Studies show that if you use a motorcycle as your primary source of transportation, your chances of being in some sort of accident within 5 years is like 99%. I had a hard time justifying it before, and now that I have a son it's next to impossible. But I still have dreams about it. Literally. About once a month, I have a dream that I'm cutting and weaving around a city and wind my way toward open two lane freedom. Control. Wind. Nimble, mechanical athleticism. It feels so natural that I can't shake it. It's likely that it'll never happen, but I'll probably never stop dreaming.

ear rational

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 22:00:56 GMT

So I have this bluetooth earpiece for my phone, and I've made a few social observations...

First off, I only use the thing when I'm in the car. The wifey likes to talk to me while I'm driving home, and it helps tremendously to have both hands free while driving. It's really the only way to talk on the phone while driving safely, in my opinion. I also use it when I'm giving (or asking for) assistance about computers over the phone. Again, two hands = invaluable. Eenyhoo, back to the story... Every once in a while, I forget to take it out when I go into a store or restaurant and it makes people irrationally angry with me. People are curt and snippy with me when I have it in. That's often what reminds me that I still have it in. It's insane. I always try to take it out when I'm not in the car or in my office, just because I hate it when I try to talk to someone but they're listening to someone else and wave me off. Lets me know how Ender's Novhina felt about Jane... Even though I don't talk on it in public, people still have the same immediate negative reaction - almost without fail. Interesting... The most interesting thing is that I catch myself having the same reaction to others who have an earpiece in.

Ear. Rational.

P.S. Paula Fuga wins.

forever and ever, amen

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:17:20 GMT

Well, here I am again. Long-time-no-see, and all that. I updated Jackson's LJ, and wanted to get back into my own.

Designed the house. Hired a builder. Worried about the builder. Had "miscommunication" with the builder. Started to lose faith in builder. Spent a huge pile of money on the builder. Site work is still wrong. No structure. Sad. Money still gone. Fired builder. Found new builder. Got good numbers. Meeting with new builder tomorrow. Confident. Happy. -=nutshell=-

I'm definitely tired of living in this duplex. It's really not that the duplex is all that bad, It's just not home. We haven't let it be home, anticipating the completion of our new home in a month. Now it looks more like Dec/Jan. Such is life, 'n all that. It has definitely given me time to work out all the minute details on the new house, though. I think I'll have a pretty good (comprehensive) set of drawings by Monday. I have all my MEP and structural drawings done too, which makes the set around 25 sheets. Sounds a little excessive, but I'd really like to do more than that... I hate to let too many things go to chance. I want to have the clearest of intentions before starting this endeavor again.

Abby is awesome, Jackson is awesome, family is pretty awesome... The vacation/wedding in Florida was pretty nice. We're going to AK's wedding in Baltimore in October, which should be fun too. My sister and parents are all flying up with us, and it'll be the first time since I can remember that my entire immediate family has been on a vacation together. Me and my sister used to fly together to Baltimore to visit my grandparents every summer when we were kids, but rarely did we go anywhere on vacation with our parents.

Photography is still freakin' awesome. I'm starting to take some more infrared photos, and I'm lovin' it. I am now on a quest to get an IR converted D80, for hand-held infrared goodness.
"That will be one bajillion dollars and eight cents, please."
"Do you take monopoly money?"
"Absolutely, sir. Anything for you, Mr. Schwah."
"Sweeeeeeeeet..." <-- a likely scenario.
I'll make do with my R72 filter and a tripod for now, but a converted SLR is definitely on my list of things to buy before I die.

I updated my schwah.deviantart page for the first time in decades, too. I put up an infrared landscape that I took on my in-laws' farm that I shot RAW. I think I like it, but I have a long way to go with the technique. Good fun.

your self fish

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:43:33 GMT

You don't receive by asking, you receive by giving. It's hard to see that sometimes. And I don't mean the "give 'til it hurts" kind of giving; being taken advantage of is one thing, but being selfless is quite another. When we're focused on ourselves, on our own happiness - that's when we realize how meaningless it really is. The persuit shouldn't be that of one's own happiness, but the happiness of those around us. Small joys. Giving brings bits of meaning into an otherwise meaningless world. Giving is meaning. Giving is love. Tiny pleasures, beauty, kindness, emotion. Not just love, but emotion. Expression of feeling and being. Even when I'm sad, I can be sad with her. When I'm happy, I can share it with her. I love her. She is the culmination, the collection of tiny joys and pleasures. The personification of my pursuit of happiness - only the pursuit of happiness isn't for my own - it's for hers. Anything for hers.

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:38:35 GMT

It has been far too long, once more...

I heard Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit" on the Lost Odyssey commercial, and it captivated me every time I saw the commercial. So, I downloaded it. It is blowing my friggin' mind. What a GREAT song... Obviously about drugs, but so much more about the zeitgeist. Intensity in ten cities. So I downloaded a ton of Jefferson Airplane and am reliving the late 60's. I also watched Almost Famous the other day, and was just so completely fascinated by the music and the times...

Oh, and I almost have the house completely designed. Hooray for inspiration! Luckily, I married one of my muses :D

name, rank and serial number

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 15:46:52 GMT

I can officially and legally say, out loud and in writing...

I am an architect.

Wheeeeeeee! I got my license and number on Friday! I got my official state certificate and notification in the mail, and now I get to go have my stamp made so I can stamp and sign my own drawings :D Good times...

R-O-L-A-I-D-S... spells "relief"

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 19:09:23 GMT

Well, I got word Friday that I passed all my tests. It is unbelievable the amount of relief this gives me. I don't think I ever doubted that I would pass them per se... it's just the idea that I might not pass that was leaving me tense. I am SO GLAD I didn't have to take any of them more than once. I added it up, and the cumulative time that I've spent actually taking tests comes up to 32.5 hours. The time I spent studying isn't even quantifiable. Luckily, the graphics divisions wound up being really easy even though they have the lowest pass rates. I think a lot of my comfort with those divisions comes from my work experience. I think working in a small firm and having a plethora (yes, I'm bringing sexy back) of responsibilities required me to learn all that I could as quickly as I could from start to finish. NOW I can concentrate on designing my own house :D

I also can't get snowboarding out of my mind. I think I might be hooked...

oh so long, and thanks for all the fish

Tue, 15 May 2007 20:35:53 GMT

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted last...

I have taken 7 of 9 licensing exams. I've officially passed 6 of them; still waiting on results from the 7th. I'll take another next wednesday, and the LAST ONE on June 6th. *whew* We bought the 5 acres outside of Huntsville, but I'm not designing anything until I finish my exams. It's driving Abby crazy, but I just can't do it... Jackson is awesome, walking (read: falling) and talking (read: making lots of noise). He's a great sleeper, and definitely a happy boy. I do love him so.

My brain is so friggin' full I can hardly stand myself.

I'm steadily eating more and exercising less. Net result: Blubber Fattington. I'm not at all happy about this.

I have ideas for liminalspace, but I don't have time to write them down.

I want to take pictures, but that is way on the other side of the heirarchy.

We're trying to get the house ready to sell, and there's a ton to be done...

Getting the tests off my mind will be the biggest relief ever... I can't wait. Mentally exhausted..

Ski Free

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 20:56:38 GMT

Only one more week 'til vacation! Me, Abby, Jackson, Drew, and Claudia will be flying out to Colorado next Sunday. Abby's parents and little brother will be driving up with all the gear 'n crap. I'm really glad we're flying, 'cause I wasn't ready for a full day's drive with Jackson in the truck yet...

I'm really looking forward to snowboarding. We'll be in Breckenridge 'til Friday, and I can't wait. I really like wakeboarding, and I've been told that they're (on a very basic level) quite similar. I'm also really excited about just getting to go west a little, see some mountains and various other things that I've never seen before. I'm always up for an adventure. Take some pictures. Drink some beer. Maybe I'll have some alone time at the top of a mountain to ponder the existence of it all... watch out for yetis.

In even more exciting news, we may have found some property! Five acres just outside of Huntsville. The price is approximately right. It's not too far from all those things we want to be close to. It's pretty secluded (a huge plus). It's completely wooded (never cleared or developed) and it has a ton of big moss covered rocks; it's beautiful. I'm a little trepidatious; it seems almost too good to be true. It's not perfect, but it's well within the parameters that we set forth for ourselves in the beginning. I'm just kind of surprised; we've been looking for so long that it's kind of weird to actually find something that might work out for us.

Of course there are a million things that we'll have to get figured out in the mean time if this thing is to actually come to fruition. I'm testing right now, and I'll have to actually design a house. A house where we're going to spend quite a few years. And we've got to actually sell the house we're in right now. And we've got to go to the bank and figure out exactly what we can afford. It's a buncha stuff. Lots of logistics. If it weren't for my licensing exams, things would be infinitely simpler...

...but all the problems I have are good problems. Life is on a good even keel.

harmony

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 16:56:26 GMT

Perfect surfing conditions are made up of big waves and no wind. But it's the big wind, whipping up for hours that helps give form to the wave. When you're surfing, it's hard to be mad at the wind. It's like being mad at your mom, wishing she never was.

Merry Christmas.

eureka!

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 17:28:22 GMT

AH HA! I was hoping that the chlorophyll fluorescence is what caused plant material to be white in infrared photography, but it's not... I've been searching feverishly for the "why" of it all, and I think I've finally found it. Here's the information I was looking for, courtesy of dwarmstr.blogspot.com:

"I always had thought that the bright white appearance of foliage in the near infrared was due to chlorophyll fluorescence--indeed, in a college class on plant structure and function, I recall examining a large beaker filled with chlorophyll dissolved in some alcohol, illuminated with a strong beam of light, that was deep red when viewed to the side. ...the high albedo of plants in the near infrared is actually just due to the cellular structure of the leaf. Plant structures are essentially transparent in the near-infrared, and the light is efficiently scattered in the air spaces beyond the first layer of cells. This has been compared to the mechanism that causes snow to be so white and reflective for a substance that is made up of transparent pieces."

So it's really the mesophyll layer and resulting air gaps that cause the reflection. I'll have to take another rout for my photography experiments, but I'm just relieved to know the "why." Sheesh, that was an unusually difficult answer to track down...

I R Baboon

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:03:52 GMT

My D80 wins. I love it. I took a bunch of pictures down at the mill, andI've been taking random pictures like crazy lately. I've only got one lens, but it's a good one and is pretty versatile. It's a Nikkor 18-70mm DX ED. I'd like to have more, but they're just a dash expensive... And of course I want to buy the expensive glass. "They" say that good glass is more important than a good body, and I tend to believe it. Technology comes and goes, but lenses haven't changed significantly in a long time and you pretty much get what you pay for. In my absolutely limited experience, of course. Ken has a Nikkor 105mm that is fun for macro shots and he just bought a Sigma 10-20mm for photographing some of our work. The Sigma is okay, but I can see a distinct difference from the Nikon lenses. The verticals have minimal to no curvature, which is crazy for a zoom down to 10mm - which is great. Needless to say, I've got a good range of lenses at my disposal.

I also just bought a circular polarizer that I haven't gotten to play with yet. I doubt I'll buy any more filters than that; just about any other "effects" that I'd want to play with are available digitally, either in the camera or with Photoshop. I'd rather have an unadulterated digital negative that I can manipulate than one that already has the filter applied. I may change my tune later, but for now that seems like the way to go.

I have also really gotten interested in infrared photography recently. I learned that the CCD on most digital cameras is more than sensitive enough to pick up the 700nm+ wavelengths for (near)infrared. *glee* I read a LOT of information on the net about it. Most of it was less than comprehensive or so specific to a particular camera or situation that it was useless on its own, but I accumulated enough information to make some good decisions.

The deal is that most (if not all) digital camreas have a "hot mirror" filter over the CCD that blocks IR. And there's a company called LifePixel that will convert a camera for you by removing that internal filter and putting in their own that works like an external filter that blocks all but IR light. But it's not cheap. And a little too risky to do on my brand-new Nikon, not to mention the fact that I don't want to take all IR photos all the time. So... I took my Minolta Z2 apart. And took off the little filter over the CCD. And put it back together. Mostly. It's ugly and I have a few screws left over, but it works. Mostly. You see, the camera compensates for the optical difference made by the thickness of that piece of glass. So when I removed it, the focus was wrong. BUT (and here's the kicker) I just bought a .38x fisheye for funzies, and by removing the first glass element inside the fisheye IT COMPENSATED FOR THE DIFFERENCE IN FOCUS. What are the chances? One in a gozillion, I'd think... So anyway, I played with some hand-held fisheye infrared for a while with a Hoya R72 filter. Interesting. More than interesting. Freakin' awesome. Last night I cracked the Z2 open again and tried to put another piece of glass from a specimen slide in the hot mirror's stead, but the difference in thickness was just too great. They're very close in thickness; only a few microns, but it was enough. It will now only focus accurately on objects @ 12" or closer. Meh. I'll do some things with that for a while. Then I'm sure I'll crack it open again. I think I'll try to get LensCrafters or someone to grind down a piece of glass for me. The thing is tiny; ~5/16"x3/8". I'm sure I can come up with something...

I'm getting to combine two things that I love, photography and the grok of taking things apart. I'm definitely having fun.

it's ben to long on teh net

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 17:27:11 GMT

Life is moving far too quickly, and I am aching for it to slow... The only time I have to spend in reflection or writing is at work, and that's not good for anybody. It helps me though, to read through others' journals. Not all, mind you; only a few that are more carefully composed and thoughtfully written. It's comforting to read about the thoughts of others that so comfortably reflect my own. Change scene, characters, circumstances... keep the thoughts and curiosity and introspection.

Wyrd.

Fate.

I don't think I'd ever go back there, but the voyeurism is so oddly warming and comfortable. Belonging.

Life is moving far too quickly, and I am aching for it to slow... I don't think as much while I'm driving when I'm busy like this. Thinking itself becomes a very conscious, deliberate task by necessity. It's disconcerting. The busy state perpetuates itself until some massive effort is made to push past it, and I can't seem to find the time... I'm struggling, and at the worst possible time. I've got to just buckle down. Pick a stressor and tackle it, taking them down one at a time.

reading rainbow

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:33:39 GMT

Man, I have been reading and reading and reading about my camera and I am ready to get out there and TAKE SOME FRIGGIN PICTURES! Maybe I can find a good excuse to sneak out of work for a little while... There are a few places I've been wanting to go. Maybe I'll leave a little early and take a few on the way to pick up Jackson. There are several old barns out on 295 that I'd like to snag. We'll see...

I've definitely gotten the shutter bug all over again.

rollin' in late...

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 15:31:17 GMT

I would if I could, but I can't... so I guess I won't.

My boss is out of the office this week, but it's not like it used to be. When he used to leave, things would be pretty relaxed around here... Not nearly as much work to do. Now that I've actually got some responsibilities, nothing really changes when he leaves. I know what I need to do, and I know how do it. It's nice. It's not as relaxed, but the independence is great. Freedom. Trust. It's worth a lot.

d winner

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 20:03:51 GMT

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MY D80 ARRIVED TODAY!

The level of my excitement right now is quite palpable to those around me, I'm sure. I am fortunate enough to now own the camera I've dreamed about for so long. Honestly, I've dreamed about the D70, and then the D80 came out not long ago and is bigger, longer and uncut. It wins the game of amateur photography. Now I can take crappy pictures with incredible resolution and clarity! SO. HAPPY.

Luckily, by boss is an amateur photography buff as well. We were talking the other day over lunch about cameras 'n such, and he mentioned that I'd be getting a bonus in the very near future, and that he ought to buy the camera through the company (and technically for the company). That way it's tax deductible for him, he doesn't have to pay payroll taxes on it, and I don't have to claim the income or pay 25% of the actual bonus to the government. Which suits me just fine. In a round-about sort of way, I actually get more money (worth, anyway) out of my bonus. I was going to buy the camera with the bonus anyway. This just makes more financial sense. Plus, the company gets a kick-ass camera in the process.

WIN²

losername and assword

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 14:28:08 GMT

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

Well, spiff 'n wiggly! When I signed up for my LJ account initially, the username "schwah" was already taken. Well, it has since been deleted and purged. Soooooooooo... I changed my username to align with my original desires. Success! I didn't even know you could do that...

NOW YOU KNOW.

/bill_nye

aparently mama didn't try hard enough

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 17:49:07 GMT

Okay, I've got a minor rant. Why is it that so many people put stupid pictures of their dog, or a sunset, or a close-up of their kid's nose in the "abstract" section of photography? Why?!? Drives me nuts! It makes it so that browsing through the Photography > Abstract & Surreal > Abstract category makes it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to actually find a truly abstract picture. Seriously. People. Abstract. Look it up. Dictionary.com. You'll love it, and be a better poster for it. The end.

step in to my orifice

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 17:33:59 GMT

So nice... I'm sitting in my new office, the window is open a crack and it is raining steadily outside my window. Freakin' awesome. I didn't realize how many distractions there were around me until I got into my nice quiet office and didn't have them any more. I don't have it quite decorated yet, and we've yet to get any additional furniture in here, but I've got my nice big desk and a chair, so I'm good to go for a while. I think I'm going to put up some detail pics that I took on a job site. I got some frameless picture frames at Hobby Lobby last week for just that...

Jackson stayed with his grandparents (my in-laws) last night, and Abby and I got some sleep. It was really nice (especially with it raining this morning) but I miss him. Sounds silly, but I do. I'm really looking forward to seeing him when I get off work :D

Well, it looks like Abby is going to get the weekend option position. It's funny how perceptions change... When we were first married, the weekend option position was up for grabs, and we were both were like "who the hell would want those crappy hours?" Fast-forward to three years later, and we're both like "weekend option?!? sweet!!!" Definitely.

mill work

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:51:34 GMT

Okay, so I said I wouldn't but I have... I went ahead and posted another pic on my Deviant Art page. I can't help it; I want feedback. I thrive on it. Good, bad or otherwise. It's a picture I took on a jobsite. There is an old feed mill that is going to be torn down, and there are all kinds of equipment strewn about that has succombed to rust and started the long journey back to organic chaos. Beautiful stuff. Colors, shadows, textures; the life and death of inanimate objects. I love it. -=This is the first one in a series called "aged."=-